Back when I was a wee young thing, I lived for the Thundercats, Jem and the Holograms, He-Man, She-Ra and Silverhawks. I’d record the cartoons and then re-watch them religiously every single day. There was nothing I wanted more than to be able to run as fast as Cheetara and have Jerrica Benton’s earrings so I could transform into a rocker chick with pink hair and be Lady Gaga’s fashion inspiration. So recently, I was feeling nostalgic and decided to revisit my favourite childhood cartoons.
All I can say is this: Did someone spike the water with crack, or what?
Some things are better left as memories and yes, I’m talking about you, He-Man. You know that big brouhaha that erupted in the UK over the purple Tellytubby with the red handbag? I never understood what the big friggin’ deal was. If you think that’s going to cause irreparable psychological damage to your kid, you obviously haven’t seen the Big Flamin’ Gay Mass Orgy that is He-Man: Masters of the Universe. Seriously, take a look at the names of some of the characters—Ram Man, Fisto, Man-at-Arms, Beast Man—and then tell me that they didn’t just escape from a porn set. And that’s just for starters. Wait till you see Prince Adam’s skin-tight pink and purple ensemble and teeny tiny fur-trimmed briefs. I just want to know three things: 1) What was Mattel thinking? 2) How did this cartoon manage to last 130 episodes without any parents/media watchdog raising hell? 3) Where can I score the crack that the creators were on?
Time to play a game: How many times can you say, “This is so gay” while watching the intro? Ready, set, go!
And speaking of crack, I’m pretty sure the animators of Jem were high on Fruit Loops when they came up with the colour palette for the show. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a show this pink (and I don’t mean this in the He-Man sense), or with so many nautical miles of multi-coloured hair. Btw, the love triangle involving Jerrica, her alter-ego and purple-haired boyfriend, Rio? Totally K-drama material! Hilariously cheesy outfits and music videos aside, I will say Jem was way ahead of its time. Seriously, earrings that allow you to transform your appearance and project an image of yourself? Brilliant, I tell you! Imagine all the money you can save on clothes. Better yet, no more awkward moments with the boss when you’re late for work.
They sure don’t make crack like they used to anymore.
But if there’s one show that will always have a special place in my heart, it’s the Thundercats. It may have been written more than 20 years ago, but I still think it has, together with Silverhawk, one of the best opening intros ever. I should know—I’ve been listening to these two songs on loop for the past five hours. *Ahem* Yes well, anyway…I just found out that Warner Bros Animation is working together with Japanese animation house Studio 4ºC (Batman: Gotham Knights, The Animatrix, Tekkonkinkreet) to produce a reboot of the series. From the looks of the promo artwork they’ve released, it certainly holds promise. I’m crossing my fingers and hoping it doesn’t suck.
I just have one tiny request though: Please give Lion-O a proper pair of pants. You’d think that an animation house that can invest in all those boombastic CGI effects can afford to buy a few bolts of fabric but some folks just have different priorities. Now, I don’t know about you but that blue romper from the 80s is just wrong on so many levels. Unless they’re trying to neuter him on the cheap, I can’t imagine why anyone would want Lion-O strutting around in an outfit that’s clearly five sizes too small for him. Just imagine the scenario: You’re surrounded by sexy young things in leotards every day and you’re a healthy, virile male. Let’s face it, there are going to be times when you’re going to, you know, need room for manoeuvring.
Blue romper, blue balls…maybe they’re going for colour coordination?
So, if you would be so kind Warner Bros Animation and Studio 4°C, please think of the children (or Wilykit and Wilykat, at the very least) and give Lion-O an outfit that fits him. Thank you kindly.
And because one can never get tired of hearing this too many times: Thunder, thunder, thundercats…ho!!!!!!!